How to run a P.R. and make a fool of yourself simultaneously

Step 1: Sign up for the race. This should be the easiest part of any race (with the exception of the payment part sometimes), but to set a P.R. Stephanie-style you must have at least one error on your entry form.

Step 2: Train. Your training must be a trainwreck of trying to get back in shape after a long winter break. You must struggle through short runs and ask yourself how you ever ran a marathon.

Step 3: Get with running partner. This is an essential step because the running partner will inspire you to keep going even when you kind of want to return to your winter hibernation lifestyle, you know, the time when you acted like you could sit on the couch, eat, drink and it wouldn't matter? Yah, that time.

Step 4: Turn down invitation to participate in a pub crawl. I'm sorry. I know we are doing this thing Stephanie-style, but you are still setting a P.R., so no mass beer consuption the day before, even for a good cause.

Step 5: Obsess over the weather. It's going to rain. It's not going to rain. You must weigh out every possibility and worry about this factor of the race for at least a week.

Step 6: Due to uncertainty and drizzly/rainy morning, overdress the day of the race.

Step 7: Ignore every person who has ever told you not to do something the day of the race that you didn't do in training. Therefore, consume about two liters more water than you usually do just because you think it will help you run better. Of course, if you are truly running Stephanie-style, you have a huge fear of becoming dehydrated and ending up in the E.R. with a needle in your arm, so this won't be hard.

Step 8: During race, you must realize that you have drank too much water, therefore, find first porta-potty at mile 2. Of course, you will be the first one in porta-potty that day b/c NO ONE HAS TO STOP AND GO TO THE BATHROOM DURING 4 MILE RACES, so while doing the "gotta go, gotta go, " dance, you must fumble with moving padlock that is hanging outside away from the door so you can close it. You will contemplate leaving door not fully shut but then have vision of door swinging open while you are sitting there to wave at the runners running by, so you will find a way to close the door. Then, you must realize that you are the first person in there and put the SEAT UP! Struggle wtih wet, sweaty running clothes and the door again before you rejoin the runners WHO WERE BEHIND YOU BUT YOU HAD TO STOP!!!!!

Step 9: Obsess over why you had to pee for next mile.

Step 10: Worry that you might puke because you are running hard to catch up for lost time. Worry that due to the marathon, you may just be a puker— someone who pukes every time they run. Wonder why you have been bestowed with such an awful curse.

Step 11: Get really pissed because you are running really hard and this joker guy who doesn't even look like he is a runner keeps turning around and running backwards to look for friends, but YOU CAN'T SEEM TO PASS HIM EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE TRYING!

Step 12: Try to unzip your hoodie which you shouldn't have worn, but then realize you have pinned your bib to the front of a zip-up hoodie, so all you can do is unzip it behind your number, but you can't take it off because it would be a tangled mess and YOU AREN'T stopping again.

Step 13: As you are about to cross the finish line, see a dog you think is an Airedale terrier like yours. So, after the race you have to go find out and you learn it isn't an Airedale, and that you must have been delusional and seeing things.

Step 14: When you cross the finish line, your time will read: 48:something. So you must now obsess over how much time was in between the waves. You will check the race's Web site 15 times the day of the race and several times the next morning until...

Step 15: The results are up, but you can't find your name ANYWHERE. Control F to find your last name, nope. Control F to find your last name several ways because you are weird and hyphanated. Control F to find all Stephanie's. YOU ARE NOT THERE! Become angry and blame the race directors for leaving you out. Wonder why this always happens to you. It's just like the stupid marathon that wasn't. It's so typical and so on. So you go to find the e-mail you were sent when you registered. (Good thing you always save those things!) and lo and behold you see something that may be the reason why you were not listed under Overall Females. You registered as a male. So go to the Overall Males. Yes, you will feel wierd. Control F your name. Tada! There you are, right between Craig and Ryan:

 1937 281/359  Stephanie Last Name 28 Overland Park KS       41:31 10:23   41:18  5109 G
And even with your stupid bathroom stop, you still set a P.R.

Congratulations!